Doubts in the night

I’m really having to fight an urge to run away lately, to just drop everything, all my plans, all that’s been set out for me, all that I’ve been working to set up for the past year or so and just escape. I’m not sure where I think I would go, but that just feeds the trapped feeling and makes me want to run as fast and hard as possible in the opposite direction even more. No, before you say it, it’s not nerves about starting in a new place in the fall. I’ve been there done that. I shook out all those nerves the first time around when it actually was a big deal. To be perfectly honest, because I’m sick of pasting falsities for the sake of niceties all over myself, I’m fucking ambivalent about all that. I feel nothing. I have no nerves, and if I did, I wouldn’t waste them on it.

As I said, the only thing I feel right now is a desire deep in the pit of my stomach to turn tail and book it because I feel like I am about to jump back onto that never-ending tape loop of hurry up and wait in a forced patience that has always turned my stomach. Quite frankly, I’m so over that bunk. I know exactly why I feel like this, and I’m a big enough girl to accept the onus for a large part of it. That’s cool. I can deal with that. I just didn’t expect the rush on my sense of mortality that makes me seriously question locking myself into something which I have no clue will make me happy or not at the tender age of twenty-two. I’m not supposed to feel that until I’m at least in my late twenties, right? They, whoever “they” are, say these are supposed to be the best and most carefree days of my life, right?

I want passion in my life. I’m enough of a self-proclaimed hedonist to know and freely admit that. I’m sick of this biding my time nonsense waiting for a pay-off that never shows. Am I a little bitter? Yes, yes I am. Right now I’m a little weary with the universe and it’s god damned synergy rubbish of late, and these days, I find myself silently telling the universe to go suck it.

I don’t want to be misunderstood. I’m not unhappy. I’m just not happy. I’m in this weird emotional limbo and it’s the absence of anything (excitement, fear, anger, happiness) that scares me and makes me want to flee and go find a situation that fixes that and elicits something resembling interest. I need an adventure, plain and simple. I need a life again. I need to feel like I’m getting myself into something that will give me that and not make me forget about it.

Well, there it is, my moment of bare-bones honesty for the evening. That’s not something that’s easily gotten from me, but tonight was a lay the cards down, get it out and off, no bullshit kind of night. I feel better and am going to try to see if this helped my insomnia (probably not but worth a try). Goodnight.

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